This Sucks! *warning, uncensored thoughts and feelings from a worn out Mama

Sorry, no catchy title, no sugar coating, no positive spin. This just plain sucks! Mason is still going through pretty significant withdrawals causing him to be agitated most of the time he is awake. He did have a bit of time today when he was once again up in the chair and was somewhat interactive, but otherwise, we've kept him down with drugs. Unfortunately, it's a Catch 22 - the more boluses of Versed and Fentanyl we give to help keep him comfortable, the long lasting the withdrawal will be. This sucks! We did gain a little understanding from the attending physician today that helps us to know what to expect and what we're in for. We can expect this to last anywhere from a week to a few weeks depending on Mason (you know, the guy who makes his own rules...) and it's going to be very difficult for us to watch. It is very hard to not be able to take away his discomfort, to have to restrain his arms so that he doesn't pull on his trach stuff, to know that restraining him pisses him off even more, and to jump to our feet every time he wakes up to try to soothe him with empty words, his pacifier, or his wet washcloth. This sucks! Amazingly, it is not difficult to see the glassed over look in his eyes, after all, he is in a drug induced stupor. In fact, it's a little comforting knowing that he's too gorked out to remember this in the long run. Sometimes I wish I could have what he's having just so that I don't have to remember.

I have to remind myself that there is some good in all of this.

• Mason is much more stable now than he was a few weeks ago. He is actually now making progress instead of getting worse and worse. I now look forward to tomorrow almost knowing that we are getting closer to the day when he's better instead of dreading what will happen.
• We have been able to work through the first couple of days in this detox journey with the doctor who helped us make some decisions during Mason's first week in the PICU. We are so lucky to have her here when we most need her.
• Bill and I have an incredible support network of friends, family, and caregivers around here who are helping to take care of us when we have so little to do it ourselves. We have dinners coming nearly every night, I have a bunch of donated vacation hours so that I don't have to stress about going to work, but can if I need a "break." Things at work are once again being taken care of for me so that I don't have to think about it if I don't want to. Nurses, doctors, and respiratory therapists with whom we have worked regularly check in on us to see how Mason is doing and how we are holding up.
• Most of all, there is an incredible amount of praying going on for Mason. I truly believe that this is what is keeping him going - I know it's what keeps me going!

Yes, this totally sucks, but thankfully, there are tangible things I can think about to help lift my spirits and keep me from dwelling on the totally sucky part!