Lying in Wait

Well, the boat got rocked just a little bit today with Mason's saturations being anywhere from 71% to 91% given the situation and really, the moment, but generally stayed around 80%.

Not great for his lungs, but great for a reminder that he's still fighting in there, Mason has been letting us know in no uncertain terms that he does not like having poopie pants. Every time his diaper would be full, his heart rate would go up and his saturations would go down. As soon as we changed him, heart rate would go down and his saturations would slowly creep back up. He's such an opinionated kid and I love that he's still trying to communicate with us despite being sedated and paralyzed.

Tonight I am full of emotion. I can't decide if I want to go home for 1 more night before the fight begins tomorrow or if I want to stay here with my baby since his saturations haven't been the best today. I am nervous at what we are facing. I am scared of things not going well. I am elated to see my baby again. I am excited to let him start moving. I am dreading the exhaustion that I know is coming as we fight this fight. My heart is filled with love as I look forward to seeing my little boy again tomorrow. In all of our struggles with Mason, the only times I have every felt anywhere close to this way was the night he was born and then again when he was taken off of the ventilator after 9 days and I finally got to hold him. Maybe its time, maybe its distance, maybe the feelings of those days have faded, but for some reason, what I'm feeling tonight seems so much bigger than then. As I read back over what I just wrote, it doesn't even capture what I want to convey. It doesn't describe how I'm feeling, but it's the best I can do. How is it possible to have this much happiness and this much dread all at the same time?

So, if all goes according to plan tomorrow (ha ha, that's funny!), Mason will have an Echo (heart ultrasound) first thing in the morning to follow up on the yeast fungal infection in his blood - they just want to make sure it hasn't affected his heart at all. Then, after Rounds (that's when all the doctors/residents/med students, etc go to each patient's room and discuss the plan for the day), they will turn off the paralytic. At that point, things will start moving. A respiratory therapist will be available to play with the settings in his ventilator to find something that is as comfortable as possible to decrease the chance that Mason will fight the vent, but be able to be safe (thanks, Erin, for the setting suggestions from Joey's experience on the vent!!), the doctor will be available to assess his success, his nurse will be right here to make sure he stays safe, and Mama and Papa will be working hard to keep Mason entertained and try to help him avoid fighting the ventilator. Bill and I expect this will be a 24 hour job because there's no way Mason knows day from night at this point. We expect that he will take some breaks and sleep, but more than likely it will be short bursts of sleep and short bursts of activity. We will sleep in shifts as we need to for as long as it takes to help Mason get through this -- he has to get through this!!!

So, here are the requests for tonight: 1) that the detox was successful and we can adequately maintain Mason's sedation with the medications after the paralytic is removed, and 2) that Mason's struggle upon waking tomorrow is temporary and we can allow him to stay awake so he can get better.